Heavy – CMN Women
by Rachel Bowman
I'm walking around, going to work, and fixing my kids breakfast all with this silent monster sitting heavy on my back. It is weighing me down, keeping me quiet, and I feel like I am dragging my feet. It feels heavy. It feels sad. It feels like heartache for the future I am so uncertain of. Heavy.
You see, God has been whispering into my husband and I's ears. He wants us to start a new church in a growing town nearby with only a few churches. There are so many souls dying and crying out who don't know they are just looking for the fulfilling love of Jesus.
I have deeply experienced this love and want to share with every ear who will hear. I want to become part of an authentic community who grows and lives and loves together. I am certain this is the path God has shown me to take.
Starting this new venture means starting from scratch. It means sacrifice and difficulty, long nights and overflowing schedules while still working our outside jobs and caring for our four small kids.
The self-doubt is heavy.
The worry is heavy.
The fear of the future is heavy.
Failure is a possibility and it is heavy.
Heavy, heavy, heavy.
Does anyone like us enough to go to this church God has called us to start? Will anyone come? Will anyone care? Will we make any difference? Will Jesus meet us there? Will we just spin our wheels? Will we go broke? Will we have to find new jobs?
Will we fail?
The good news is this is not about me; it is about Jesus.
If God called me, as unqualified as I feel, He will fulfill His work through me if I let Him. He has written my story of hope, given me the tools, and proven to me He is faithful. He has been asking me over and over again to give Him this heavy monster I have been carrying around for months.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light” (Matthew 11:28).
He has been asking and asking to lighten my load. I start to hand it over; then, I just end up feeding this heavy monster more anxiety and self doubt. You see, a yoke is a wooden bar placed over the neck of a pair of animals so they can work together as one, perhaps plowing a field. Jesus and I, operating together, side by side.
I have realized I am holding Jesus back from operating fully in me because I will not give up my heavy load. I am dragging myself down. If I give Him my heavy yoke, take His yoke, and learn by watching Him, we can operate together for His glory. He can work through me fully, without the heavy burdens weighing me down.
When my yoke feels heavy on this journey, Lord remind me to just give it to you. Remind me you don't want me to carry this alone. Even though I am strong and smart and able, I cannot fully be who you created me to be without you by my side, guiding me and carrying my burdens for me. Your yoke is easy and your burden is light. Thank you Lord for delivering me from myself.
I don't have to walk around feeling heavy one more day and neither do you.
Honestly with love,
Rachel Bowman is a mom to four in four years, pastor's wife, church planter, and writer of words. She enjoys a good cup of coffee, a Lego free floor, and encouraging women where they are. Her and her husband, Paul, are launching Anchor Church in April 2017.
She graduated from Eastern University and is working on becoming a credentialed minister. Come for a visit at waitingforbedtime.com after you have survived your kids’ bedtime routine. Honesty and sweatpants required.